Super drunk, super high, super lonely.

I feel like I’ve lost a piece of me forever.

Until you know someone dieing of cancer, who has a miscarriage, a life threatening illness, living in poverty, domestic violence or abuse - or any of these tragic walks of life - then I don’t think we can really engage in how harrowing these situations really are.

So when I became a manager of Western Australia I became close with one of my staff. For the first time I met someone who I didn’t need to put on an act for, lie to, make myself seem more interesting, sugarcoat my feelings. I was a huge sense of release as I had the ability to truly show someone who I am - something I don’t think I’ve had the chance to do before. Well, stopped myself from doing.

These are things I find difficult to write down and I believe I shouldn’t be documenting them anyway, but this is a situation nobody in my life knows of and I need an outlet. It’s killing me inside.

The girl spent two years with her partner, only a year of them together, but two ‘officially’. Perhaps a silly decision, and certainly a problem, but a short amount of weeks after they first met they had a sham marriage so she could stay in the country on his visa.

At the beginning, maybe 8 weeks in, is the first time he hit her. Throughout the next few months, maybe a couple of times a week, he would hurt her in ways that nobody could trace. Bruising on the ribs. Burns hidden under clothing. Broken bones. Miscarriage. As the year went on, so did the violence, and it started to occur more. When I met her, it was once a week. Then a couple of times a week. Then trips to the hospital once a week. Broken noses. Black eyes. Snapped ribs. Blackouts and unconsciousness. Until very recently, she was finding herself on first name basis with the nurses every other night of the week. If she left, she’d be deported. But behind closed doors she had been building a file. Today, it stands at 22 counts of hospitalised violence, forced miscarriage, rape, control of money, blackmail, emotional abuse.

I’ve spoken about domestic violence before. I’ve worked for charities that deal with it. But until you know someone you care about going through something like this you do not understand how much it destroys people inside and out. I fell in love with this girl a while back - and for anyone that knows me in any capacity, you will no doubt be shocked at this. Finding interests in people is a struggle for me - but for the first time in my life I entirely care about someone more than me. I do not factor myself into these situations - I only care about the wellbeing of her. The individual in question paid out his bail last week, as he earns in inordinate amount of money, and the way it’s looking is that he is going to get away with this in court.

It’s not a case of ‘well why doesn’t she just move out - surely being safe is better than just being able to live in Australia’. I understand why most of you are probably thinking this - as did I for a short while - but having two houses that you’ve worked three jobs for three years to pay for, two dogs, a life outhere - to leave to go back to nothing - just isn’t something that can be ‘chosen’ over something else.

For the longest time now she’s not been allowed to leave the house, has her phone tracked, has no access to her own money, not allowed friends - is not allowed to live any sort of life in any capacity. My heart breaks for her and I would drop everything to give her what she needs. She deserves nothing less than the world - and now that the decision has been made to disengage as I’m too emotionally invested, I feel like I have lost a part of me that she will always have. I’m a different person, I think about the world and people in a different colour, and after everything that’s happened she only wants him to be cured of his illness. Not out of love and nothing near pity - because of the pureness she holds in her heart for other people.

I’ve seen her in times where she’s devoid of all human senses, merely a hollow shell. It sickens me to think there are millions of woman and men living this life of misery behind closed doors. Yet even at her worst, she’s smiling. I’ll never be the same again, and no amount of distance, people or time will stop me being there for her. But today marks a time where no matter how low the ache inside me becomes, I know it’ll never sink to what she has to live with. She’s the best person I’ve ever met, and I’ll never meet better, but I would give my life in a heartbeat to give her what she deserves.

Current mood: fkkdnsjjsbdhsjssks

You see the problem with living in a hostel, being wound up and wanting to frick frack is EVERYTHING.

Talk towards my face please. I’m horizontal and conversational. Holla.

Today.

Also update: my lips look PINK???

Also update: my lips look PINK???

1) stop commenting on other peoples eyebrows. No matter what they look like, you’re ugly on the inside if you make judgements like that.

2) I’ve been talking about the worst situations in the world for five years now. Poverty, malnutrition, child abuse, forced genital mutilation, cancer, neglect, domestic violence, death. Nothing compares to the dull hollow ache however of knowing someone in a situation like this. Suddenly then the feelings become real.

3) for the first time in my life I am entirely caring for somebody else and putting their best interests and feelings before mine. It came naturally, and it’s necessary, but I suppose that’s a good thing.

4) I have monday off tomorrow. That is weird and good.

5) I think I’m going to be leaving Australia soon.

6) this has been the most difficult 8 weeks of my life. Sunny beaches and bbqs don’t make the ride any easier.

Praying that tonight is the beginning of the end.

I am absolutely sick to my stomach with worry. I’ve never thought much about myself, ever, but I genuinely think this is the first time I’ve cared entirely about someone else’s wellbeing before my own. I can’t think straight, I feel sick.

I’ve become super, super close to someone here over the past two months, and her situation makes me feel a type of deep lingering pain that I’ve never felt before. She’s in an inescapable situation that is the type of horrific you read about only in news articles and fiction. Twice I’ve had the phone in my hand ready to dial the police but I know I can’t get involved and that makes me feel a level of helplessness that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I care so much about her and knowing what shes going through, what’s she’s taking from another human being on a daily basis, makes me ache inside. I have never felt this type of sadness.

Hello Albany

Hello Albany

I am inside Albany.

WHY AM I SO FUCKING AWKWARD oh my fucking god the most unreal cringeu thing happened today. Yesterday when I finished work the girl the works in dome, basically aussie weatherspoons, came and gave me a note saying I should come check out a play last night and that she was gunna be there. Was she hitting on me? I don’t know. Well I got SO high earlier I was in like another dimension (I’m still in space) and I got a taxi to buy munchies and I was standing staring at crisps for ages AND SHE CAME DOWN MY ISLE so I freaked out and did this SO FUCKING OBVIOUS turn away from her thing hxisjsjxs I don’t know why and she smiled and said ‘didnt see you last night!’ and all I could say was ‘sorrrrrrrryyyy’ and kinda melted into myself and this isnt awkward as it sounds but I’m dying.

PARANOIIIAAAAA

Just left work 5 hours early to go get high. I’m a snoop dog song.